The Oddyssey, by Homer*
Cassiel C. MacAvity
*The writer earned this name by five times running---or sitting, actually---wandering off away from home for one reason or another . . . and then wandering on back . . . . .
Text transcribed by Cassiel C. MacAvity.
Hail, oh muse and give me the words, to tell of a wizard of great skill and strength, of one who had fathomed the great and deep mysteries of the dread Child Proof Bottle Cap, of one who could, weary though he may be afterwards, out wrestle two falls out of three, a large mouse.
Brave Sir Robin his name was, a faithful servant of the great god of Ad, Madison Avenue. Tall and mighty with great dark eyes, much carefully groomed hair, and clad in the finest robes in the land as befitted on, his wizardry was such that in a bright light he could appear as a three foot, six inch dwarf, wearing a fright wig, tinted contact lenses, large eyeglass frames with no lenses, and an ill fitting suit of third hand polyrayon which had been instantly rejected by the goddess of goodwill, Amy Of Salvation for having been so badly constructed that the collar stood up and could not be folded over, with shoulder seams that were half way to the elbow. Even greater was his mastery of the shadows, for with his magic suit he could disappear without a trace after making the proper sacrifices, saying the holy incantations, and standing in front of anything that was bright orange with green polka dots.
Great and wide also was his fame as solving the ancient mysteries, the famed questions of the past. For he was the great riddle solver of those two great queries that had puzzled the great and the wise for untold millennia, for he himself hand answered;
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen sparrow?
For the last time Scotty, what did you do with the tribbles?
One day as he sat in his great dark hall, word was brought of a gift from the barbarians of the eastern lands. From his great throne, Brave Sir Robin turned and requested of a page, saying, What is it? The page called into the depths of the great dark hall What is it? A servant passed through a portal a great distance down one wall of the great dark hall and from the throne about five feet away his great voice could be hear calling out What is it? A stout immovable guardsman heard his call and called out to the servant, far away, by the gift, What is it?
The servant looked upon the gift and beheld it. saying. It's a barrel! Two feet away and on the far side of the the gift, the six foot three inch, one twenty pound guardsman turned and called out It's a barrel! The great voiced servant at the door far from the seat of the mighty wizard cried out it's a barrel! The page at the throne five feet from the guardsman turned and disclosed to his master the great words he had been seeking. It's a barrel!
Brave Sir Robin then turned to the page and commanded Bring it in. The page then turned and---Ah, to hell with it.---
Page: Bring it in.
Great Voiced Servant: Bring it in.
Stout One Twenty Pound Guardsman: Bring it in.
Servant By Gift: Bring it in.
Immovable Six Foot Three inch Guardsman: Bring it in.
Sevant By Gift: It's coming in.
Stout One Twenty Pound Guardsman: It's coming in.
Great Voiced Servant: It's coming in.
Page: It's coming in.
And lo, Brave Sir Robin observed the barrel and observing it thus, gave thanks to the god of deliverymen, Ewepeeesse, for the safe arrival of the gift of the barbarians of the far and distant eastern lands. Suddenly, with a roar, the barrel shattered and exploded in all directions. For it was not a gift, but instead it was a visitation of the dread blue eyed demon Boottop, lord of breweries, scourge of countless temperance halls, and servant of the widely worshipped toilet god Heavuses. With his great battle cry of Blonde!, the foul demon staggered forward, reaching out with a gust of foul air aimed at the great throne. With great hisses and much peeling of paint, the great coat of arms of Brave Sir Robin, discovered with much research and falsifying of records, disappeared in an enormous gush of blue flame.
But lo and behold, Brave Sit Robin yet lived, for as the dread cask had split asunder, Brave Sir Robin immediately realized the danger, bravely advanced to the forefront of the great war room, three hundred eighty feet to the read of the throne, selflessly sacrificing those in the great dark hall where the foul demon then resided, striding back and forth, rendering the great tapestries asunder, and giving great roars of Suica!!!
Ordering the mighty laser scalpel to be brought forth, Brave Sir Robin cried to his wise councilmen, saying, I'm going to try and remove the digits from . . . and the councilors nodded wisely and spake thus You're going to what?!?! in chorus. Finger, Brave Sir Robin stated, I'm going to try and get his finger off. And Brave Sir Robin fired, with great skill and aim, directly at the dread beast, the beam instantly passing through three councilmen, four mirrors, under a cat named Jones, through the moat, two dungeons, and His Majesty The Queen, a visiting monarch who had become hopelessly lost while traveling, before reaching and cutting through the vicious middle finger of the dread and unholy demon. But as the fearsome creature thrashed about in a fatal stupor, giving great cries of I Can't Feel My Ears!!, great bursts of clear liquid sprayed from the wound, burning through everything it touched. For the demon Boottop was infused with that dread poison, Carlsbad, and used for blood the fearsome elixir that turned honest men onto bad actors, would be square dance choreographers, and much repulsed Don Juans. As the creature died, Brave Sit Robin observed the great hole that was being eaten through the floor and spake thus That crap could eat through the hull!
Such was his anger that he swore revenge on he that had sent the demon to him. And there was much rejoicing. Such was the rage of Brave Sir Robin that he swore that if need be he would go alone for there was much need of immediate battle. And there was much rejoicing. As he swore thus his great oath, shaking the walls of the prefab hut with his great thunderous voice, Goepfortus, god of all language, smilingly sent upon Brave Sir Robin a blessing, saying thus as he did so, Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Immediately, the great pendant at the neck of Brave Sir Robin commenced to send out sparks before falling loose and shattering itself upon the floor. Said Brave Sir Robin thus in a voice that shattered a handy wine glass, Oh, Shit! Where the hell am I going to get a new voice box??!?!
Out Of the fire and into the frying pan
Doing the impossible the hard way.
In the eastern sky, Velveeta, beloved morning star of the elves and handmaid of the dawn, rose and greeted Noxzema, bringer of the flannel tongue, and clanging on her golden garbage pail, bade him make ready the winged rickshaw of Novocaine, herald of the day. Thence came rosy-eyeballed Ovaltine, she of the fluffy mouth, and lightly kissed the land east of the Seas. In other words, it was morning.
Brave Sir Robin, before retiring to bed, suggested that the remains of the dread demon Boottop be taken back to its owner and studied. Spake his counselors thus, That thing bled Carlsbad! There's no telling what it could do when its dead! And so Brave Sir Robin set out the next morning, accompanied by his minstrels and pack animals, to search ou---
---At this point in the original manuscript there is an inked splatter that scrawls off the side of the page . . . .
© Cassiel C. MacAvity