Someone who had just read the paper named "Breeders" had some commentary on it, but also wanted to know what was meant by my head being, for lack of a better term, "resonant", . . . So I sent back a thumbnail sketch to cover the general situation of things beyond and after "Breeders" . . . .
Of the reference to Rakkasah, by the way, it is a belly dance festival run by volunteers . . .
At 08:34 AM 3/28/99 -0800, you wrote:
>out all the little "self talk" items that lead you. You've already
>gravitated toward the more positive things that life's handed you. Now it's
>time to finetune it and graduate. You've already dredged up the fine
>details and beat them to death. That's as much as you're going to
>accomplish with that method. Don't get mired in the first step, it's only a
As far as I can tell . . . and having seen Way too many situations that called for missing disclaimers . . . my simply going and playing with computers, doing my SCA heraldry, etc., Because I Want To *is* a way to totally eradicate as much as possible the crimes of those totally sociopathic slimebags---aka breeders---As I do what I've been wanting and needing to do, for myself and others, for over two decades . . . I originally almost wrote eradicating them and helping me and others as being two items, but both anhilating them and theirs And doing what I need to do are both All moving up . . . Btw? . . . with the breeders at their "height", my helping out with Rakkasah would be opposed . . .
However . . .
There is a catch I've been running into, and an underlying reason that "Breeders" got written and ../canaries/index.html got posted, in that with such on the web, I Don't have to dredge and dredge and dredge, I Can just say "Go to this site and read, get back to me if you have further questions."
About four and half years ago, right after an impromptu workshop at someone's house, I started getting weird visions---not hallucinations, visions---and a number of very quick stabbing headaches . . . and then I started getting; weird muscular twinges, feelings of having pressure building up in my head, chest pains, a feeling of someone clamping down on my left shoulder, absolute blasts of rage radiating along with the visions, more and more headaches, feelings of smelling something burning, of seeming to Hear flesh sizzling on hot metal, headaches as if someone had smashed me in the head with a sledgehammer or ice-pick, where on a number of occasions the absolute smash of the headache was gone even before I could start to wince---and wince I would . . . and all of these would occur with no particular pattern, and no particular accompanying occurances to serve as a trigger . . . and two or three times, with EEG, MRI, ETC., MDs, shrinks---with and without drugs---, and neurologists have *All* declared that Yes, something is Very definitely going on that Really needs to be addressed and treated, but they can't do a damn thing because I am totally stone cold sane and totally healthy as a horse.
. . . and of the theory of buried stress bubbling up, in all of this, I would have periods where I would know of things that had occurred in my past, but it would just be data, and I would have periods where Out Of the Blue, I would have an All out blast of All out rage *Screaming* in my head . . . . and then vanishing . . .---case in point; a weekend where from Friday evening nonstop through Sunday evening I was having a Hell of a time getting a system redesigned and rebuilt, where the work continued on Monday evening and was only solved in late Tuesday evening, and through all of this I simply kept plugging along and trying various combinations and deductions---and then right about 2:00 AM Sunday morning, my temper went absolutely totally berzerk . . . Not *Me*, My *temper* . . . and I sat there going "what the hell is this??!!!!!" and for lack of anything better, "calmly" went about diagnosing the latest round of difficulties, as the absolute rage kept pouring Right At and Through me . . . and at 3:00 AM it cut off as if controlled by a switch. . . . and I kept working until about 4:00, when I went to bed, and, as I said, the Still ongoing computer problem was not solved until Tuesday evening . . . .
On The Other Hand . . . A Disclaimer; I Just Take Notes . . . I Just Report What I Have Encountered . . . .
About five years ago I was the second closest friend of a fifteen, then sixteen, year old girl who was brought into my small faire Scots group. She was brought in because she had no family to speak of and her closest friend was hoping the girl could have people to be around who wouldn't screw her over like everyone else, the girl's own set of breeders Particularly included . . . in short, the girl was me, fifteen years earlier, which is how and why she and I became so close.
. . . And then it turned out that the woman I was dating was a Very smooth, Very sophisticated, Very intelligent, totally malevolent sociopath. She decided that as I didn't have her as the all consuming center of all possible universes, as I refused to give the girl any more pain and insisted that she needed support, then she would have to stalk and destroy my friend herself . . . and immediately after the end of the 1994 faire season she raped my friend so brutally that all that was left was a walking, talking piece of meat . . . . which claimed to be the girl, but of which everyone who knew the girl, and even a few others who looked in afterwards announced; No . . . that is Not a human being there . . . The girl *IS* gone, departed, elsewhere-not-in-the-body, She Is Irreversably *Dead*.
And what's been echoing all along is the diagnosis of two of the later observers, in the words of one of them; "What was done there began with rape, and then it continued from there."
Ok, as I said, for the record; *ME*, I Just Take Notes . . . all I can do is report what I have encountered.
That impromptu workshop was done following a basic diagnosis to me of "You have psychic capabilities, and your past has left you with no shielding, something must be done about this." . . . and it was right after that that the visions began, and it was during that that the rapist's earlier comments of being psychically capable were noted . . .
Since then, the ongoing comments have been that yes, phychic attacks exist, and I'm dealing with an ongoing one, and for Whatever reason, the situation has come up that I cannot solve this one myself, I must Find someone Else to solve it for me---basically, I've wound up as the bloody canary in the local bloody coal mine, and all I can do is report what has occurred and what the current situation is . . . .
. . . and THAT, to wrap things up, is why the rest of ../canaries/index.html exists, why I get Really irked with proclamations of "Of Course you have parents, they just couldn't help themselves, they didn't mean it" because those who claim that are blatantly using me as a means to deny reality they sometimes screamingly refuse to face themsleves . . . (Maybe it's the beard; do I Look like a _)#%&@+)#$%&*+)@$( therapist??!!!!) . . . and why I'm Still looking for a way out of this *%)$+)@$_($%*@$ coal mine!!!!!
To summarize the rest of ../canaried/index.html, as I have stated at other times to local psychic-if-you-want-to-call-it-that practitioners---as opposed to organized spinners of fantasy and nothing but---
I am *Really* tired of being the bullshit filter for the local pagan community . . . whether I talk to any of 'em any more or Not . . .