Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment

Cassiel C. MacAvity


    One afternoon when I was ten years old, a psychopath and child abuser gave me a bottle of beer and ordered me to drink the beer.

    The psychopath then continued to harass me when I didn't like the taste, continued to demand that a non-consenting ten year old child get forced to drink alcohol, and by extension, continued to demand that such an action get considered normal and proper.

    At the time, I mainly noticed that I didn't like the taste, and that I had gotten forced to drink the beer anyway. Only much later, just few years ago, a number of puzzle pieces dropped into place. I had always known that the psychopath and his associate hated me, but this time I realized the full pattern of long term assault and its intent with absolutely nothing normal or proper involved in any of it.

    Normal and proper is that children are the next generation, the ones who follow, and that to torture and maim the children is to destroy one's own future, to destroy one's one own present. Normal and proper is that psychopaths and child abusers such as the one forcing the beer upon me get hunted down and annihilated.

    Normal and proper among adults and children is that the children get raised by adults. Often the children have the same ancestry as the adults, but that never inherently means that the children descend from the adults or that the adults engendered the children. A fact has repeated, constantly, over millennia, that only those who raise children are parents, are those who help the children become adults, who help create the future of their society, of our society. In exactly the same manner and time, those who do not raise children are not parents. These adults may have children exist around them, who often interact with them, but only interact in passing. And also, in exactly the same manner and time, merely breeding like any common animal does not make someone a parent, it just means that the one who bred is merely a breeder.

    As that child grows and finds something that looks interesting, that interest will get explored. Over time, what the child learns includes that others exist aside from the child, that those others also have their own interests, that others will get taken into account when contemplating personal interests. All children go through this basic learning process, or should; Play nice with others, see that others can play because otherwise they won't play with you, share the toys. And so as a child grows, the exploration of interests become more and more enlarged, but also more and more subtle. The child ages, the child grows and interlinks with others and their circumstances. The various parts of an ongoing community grow and develop as a part of this ongoing growth and exploration of interest. And under no circumstance does that exploration ever get blocked or altered, when a child gets raised.

    In my case, the psychopath which harassed me is one of the pair of psychopaths which bred me. The psychopaths which bred me considered me total and undoubted property from the point of birth, and the abuse with the beer remains just one action of their practice of ongoing hatred and destructive conditioning

    In the view of the breeders, the only purpose for my existence is to remain a convenient prop for their claim that they get declared parents, that they get societal advantages and acclamation as parents, where they themselves have none of the wasted time, none of the learning, none of the experience of parenting.

    That such is their view of the world is known because they would have behaved and acted far differently if it were not. Their view is that they built a walking and talking table from scratch, it is indeed only a table and not capable of anything more, so that they matter of factly declare Oh, we own that.

    As a part of their practice, the environment of the breeders is a totally hostile situation where the hostility is not always physical, is always present and has mental and sometimes physical degradation being considered a standard. If a breeder's hostility is always physical instead of occasionally physical, then humans will detect what the breeders do to the child, and rescue the child from the breeders.

    In a breeder's view, and as part of the ongoing degradation, as the child is property, then the child is thus only capable of being and acting as property and is not capable of any independent interest in anything whatsoever. As independent interest is the action of a human, and as an owned thing is just an object and is not and never will be human, any time such a major interest appears, the breeder's procedure is to beat the thing, scream at the thing, to make certain that such interest never appears again. Admittedly, since the breeders aren't telepaths, they will only notice particular, repeated interests, where general, passing interests will get past their attention.

    Regarding lesser apparent interests, and from inability to read the child's mind, the breeder's ongoing harassment is less active when considering some activity which appears to hold less interest, in which case nothing gets said or done to actively dissuade that interest. On one hand, some perceived interest may not actually exist, and a breeder shouldn't bother with constantly controlling a mere object. In actual addition, if such opposition indeed exists regarding apparently neutral activities, this gives the child something to resist, and that resistance can give a rallying point and again become an unnecessary distraction to a breeder. Of course, over time, if a breeder begins to think that the activity actually does have greater interest, then both that interest and the child each get attacked as something which can not exist.

    Finally, a further wrinkle is to force activities which themselves degrade and deny. These new degradations particularly have no reasonable point and also reinforce the breeders' demand that the child is a useless thing which will not ever have any success at anything. In turn, if or when any resistance occurs to the ongoing assault, that resistance becomes a rallying point in which the attacker will particularly have an interest, as it provides more opportunity for control and further degradation.

    In short enough time, the breeders have a cyclical environment which lets them remain unquestioned and absolute property owners, where humans leave them alone to do what they will to the child. As part of this ongoing cycle, as property has no friends, no associates, no outside contact, humans never question that the child just appears for school, and then disappears again, maybe just appears at some local church or other association that the breeders pretend to associate with, and then disappears again. After all, from the point of view of the humans, they're busy, and as long as the breeders only torture the child, never openly mutilate the child, no human ever lifts a finger.

    In a related variety of this situation, there was a psychologist named Harry Harlow, who did child development experiments with monkeys. One of his best known experiments rather resembles what breeders do to and with children as an everyday practice. Harlow's experiment was to take an infant monkey and put it alone in a cage with two models of an adult monkey. One model was a wire framework of a monkey that could supply food and the other model was a cloth covered model that did not supply food. Rather generally, the monkey preferred the cloth covered model, only going to the wire model to feed. In the case of the breeders, what the breeders do is to isolate a child as totally as possible, with the equivalent of only the wire model that can feed the child, and then is never a cloth model, and even though live adults are nearby, the breeders never are or consider being parents.

    Now, what happens to the child?

    The child is a child, therefore the child develops interests. The child is hated by the breeders, therefore the child is screamed at and beaten to destroy the interests. The world is infinite, therefore interests are infinite, therefore new interests arise.

    As noted before, A) major interests are obliterated by the breeders, B) the breeders do not constantly assault because humans would rescue the child, C) breeders simply own property, just do not have to constantly condition property because mere property does not have interests, D) echoing C, breeders are not telepaths, therefore interests of the child only get noticed when the interests become evident. E) yes, C and D do mutually oppose, but then breeders remain psychopaths and reality is vehemently and sometimes violently not their concern.

    So; as the child is left in this situation, then this situation keeps happening and never stops happening. As the child can only rely on a child's sense of time, then this situation will never end, and thus extends on into forever.

    In this entirety of reality that extends into forever and is filled with hatred and abuse, the child must move and function, or the child is attacked. The child must also not move and function, or again, the child is attacked. In the middle of the ongoing hatred, all that remains is the regularly demonstrated reality that the entire universe consists only of hatred and malevolence. In ongoing and never ending cycles, that universe of hatred and malevolence smashes into and all around the child, thus regularly reinforcing that everything consists only of hatred and that the universe will always attack and assault. In the times that the hatred and malevolence merely exist and don't yet come smashing into the child, the only possible action is to do some little of bit of some project or an other, and then roll over and fall asleep, sometimes literally. After all, if no action occurs, the breeders will attack, and if too much action occurs the breeders will attack, and in time, the breeders will attack anyway, because they always do.

    The only way out which can ever happen becomes sleep of some sort. Sometimes the sleep is literal, as exhaustion occurs. Other times the sleep is by disappearing into reading, into television, into alcohol or other drugs. This sleep takes whatever form which are found that the breeders don't use as a weapon, or use much as a weapon, which lets the breeders' ongoing target hide in oblivion, if only for a short time.

    Now extend forward a long time, extend forward for several years. Breeders are cowards, failures, and habitual liars, or else they would function as humans. In time, the child can get large enough to hit back and make it hurt, and can also start to drift out of the breeders' reach through some circumstance or another. The problem that continues is that intellectually the breeders have gotten out of reach, but still the conditioning exists and operates and does so unceasingly and very well.

    In accordance with that still functioning conditioning, over time, over weeks and then years, all that the breeders' target achieves is some small start of a project, and then stop. When the breeders' target encounters some person or persons, in a business opportunity or personal relationship, the target then “just happens” to turn away, or just drift in stasis, and thus continue to keep away from everything, and go to sleep. When a new situation arises that the breeders' target can do much with, the target repeatedly and consistently doesn't see the situation until long after and too late, if ever. When some situation gets noted anyway, the target does not see any possibilities that can get done with it, until too late, if ever.

    At the same time, as such encounters reflect reality, but the target still exists in the breeders' fantasy rooted hatred, neither the target nor anyone near the target ever see that the conditioning remains and continues. The only oddity ever noticed is that as all this conditioned hatred continues over time, over weeks and then years, no progress occurs, no change, no improvement, nothing, and only the stasis gets noticed, if ever, and not the cause of that stasis

    Only at some moment of all the pieces falling into place, and then also only when finally realizing all of the pieces over time, does the conditioning get noticed.

    In my case that happened a few years ago, in late 2002, and I'm still not certain what triggered the realization. When the realization did happen, I also noticed that just knowledge wouldn't do all the work. I realized I would still have a hell of a time fighting what the breeders have done to me. Several years later, changes have occurred, but also I still regularly get slammed by the conditioning which still stands in for the malevolent psychopaths which bred me.

    At some point after the realization, I compared notes with a cousin who has seen many years' occurrences, but at a distance, and then also remembered a comment from an additional cousin who had a much closer view. Putting the two sets of information together finally showed the older cousin and I what the breeders had expected of me, and why such an insistence that I start drinking.

    The female breeder had a pair of brothers, my uncles, both of whom died alcoholics, one of whom died a drug addict. They weren't idiots, they were quite capable enough to found and own their own nursing home.. The additional cousin is the son of one of the uncles. At one point he told me that his father had slowly, but quite effectively, killed himself because of what had gotten done to the uncle when a child. To escape what had been done to both of them, the brothers started drinking, and after awhile one of them started raiding his own drug supplies. In accordance with a long and historic method, the alcohol and other drugs let the brothers disappear, and that escape did indeed kill them.

    And then I came along, being the intended next target. I'm not an idiot; matter of factly I'm regularly assured that I'm quite brilliant, and brilliance didn't save my uncles. Therefore, with full will, I was to be the next alcoholic death, oh so messy and tragic, the bane of the oh so tragically heroic and long suffering parents, with bonus points if I became a drug addict too.

    The breeders apparently didn't anticipate something that saved me. I utterly and absolutely can not stand the taste of alcohol, therefore I do not drink it. I don't mind alcohol, the complexity of the concept has somewhat fascinated me for years. On formal occasions, Kiddush and the like, I certainly will toss a fast gulp of the thimble of wine, but I do rather prefer grape juice for that.

    My uncles went to oblivion in alcohol. I mentioned reading earlier because I went to my oblivion, repeatedly, in books and lots of naps. In turn, because reading became my oblivion, even though I read immensely fast and read a lot, I never remembered a word of what I read. Remembering involves reality, and the breeders' conditioning mandates that reality is hatred and malevolence and abuse. Later, for exactly the same reason, as I started one project or another, I would get started with great enthusiasm, and yawn, and oh, I'll get back to the project after I sleep for a bit. And of course I would never get back to the project. And over time, over the years, of any sort of internship project that I could have done, business connection, personal attachment, anything involving getting something done, the same occurred, repeatedly. Again, all gone, never noticed until later, if ever, many, many instances of only later realizing what they or he suggested, or she, or she, or she, really wanted.

    And still the conditioning still screams its hatred, its blindness, its whatever word that would fit here. I write here of conditioning, and as I write the conditioning doesn't like it. I have tried to get this paper written at one point or another for eight days. Repeatedly, I have managed a few paragraphs, and then watched a dull, massive, something block words, concepts, even memory of which next thought needed to follow.

    The original concept of this was “Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment” with the underlying connection of conditioning and lies, and the ceasing of such. Finally I decided that I will wrap this up with this first part, toss in what little I have of the second and third, and then move on to my other projects which I do indeed incrementally, slowly, manage to now continue.

    I have written of child abuse and have watched my concentration go to pieces..

    I have tried to write a bit on alcoholism and sometimes watched my concentration vanish into a fused sack of cells, sometimes watched a wave of absolute, total, utter fury shriek for attention, sometimes watched a sense of having the weight of a column of lead pushing me back into place.

    I did try to write of alcoholism because at times I have thought that what I experience might have features of alcoholism. Concentration and focus keep shutting down as I keep trying to move forward, where what opposes me most directly doesn't even come out of a bottle, but always plays in my head. I seem to have gotten frozen in time as those born when I was born have continued on without me. At this point, I am ten and twenty and thirty years behind those I started school with, both as a person, and in just following personal interests to see where they may go.

    I have no children, and at least by college I realized will never have children. One reason for this being that I have already wound up the only one of the breeders and I to ever possess any responsibility and maturity. Another reason for this being that what they did to me will indeed bloody well die with me.

    Cats don't count in this, but then they are cats and I did end up with eight at one point---one adult, two large kittens, and five furballs, all quickly adopted off once the furballs weaned. Responsibility and maturity remain moot given that I have wandered into a hobby of sightseeing events from the inside by helping to run them. These events have ranged from a couple of hundred people to tens of thousands. What I run I run very, very, well, where the proof of this remains that I regularly get asked back to do that again.

    I have tried to write of enlightenment, to write of the Buddhist concept of being utterly unattached and unconditioned, and have repeatedly and painfully watched an entire mandala of concepts disappear in all directions. I have watched rage and avoidance again; How dare I question the conditioning, and how utterly dare I even conceive that the conditioning could get removed?

    In college, I stumbled across the Buddha-Dharma as something other than someone's fantasy of religion, as instead the never ceasing practice of get up in the morning, get things done and have fun doing so, and continue on from there. I state the Buddha-dharma instead of a concept of “Buddhism” based on the practice of some that one just practices from day to day, one does not hide behind “Being Buddhist”. Much later and much the same I heard a story of Judaism, where a rabbi states at one point “What is hateful to you, do not do unto others. That's the meaning of the whole Torah. All the rest is only an explanation. Go and study it." That particular story has become known as “Torah on one foot”.

    Recently a friend of mine exclaimed “Buddhist?! They're passive!” with overtones of regularly getting left defenseless. On another occasion, a conservative rabbi commented to me something to the effect that Judaism and Buddhism were very distinct, because Judaism believed in active involvement and Buddhism believed in detachment and not doing anything. Of both statements, basically, No.

    Of “the Buddha-Dharma on one's deathbed”---because that's literally how it happened---the final words of “the Buddha” a man named Siddhartha Gautama, state something to the effect of “All created occurrences fail in time. Work unceasingly towards your own understanding.” Basically, life always goes on, but all concepts created about life remain artificial, so they always fail. When one completely and intrinsically understands this, then the only concern becomes each moment as it occurs. Yes, each moment occurs before one moment and after another, therefore to blank out the past and future also remains artificial and fails, and so the concern of each moment remains the concern of all moments, one at a time, the current moment first.

    Is the Buddha-Dharma peaceful or passive? Is a hurricane or a detonating volcano peaceful or passive? Should one emulate a hurricane or an exploding volcano because both act entirely within the Buddha-Dharma? Maybe one should become as the hurricane, the exploding volcano, for what are the actual circumstances, what action is called for by this moment? Do the circumstances call for extremely violent action to avert some other action, to cause something to begin, to cause something else to stop? If the circumstances call for it, yes.

    From birth I have had illusions and lies and hatred forced upon me. The ongoing vehement demand has been and is that I remain attached to lies, to failure, to getting nothing done under any circumstances, to be merely an exact copy of the psychopaths that bred me. In contrast, another statement attributed to Gautama is; “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Of being enlightened, there is a statement that enlightenment is best because there is nothing to achieve for enlightenment, no addition or gift from another is required to get the magic key. Enlightenment follows from not having rage, not having hatred, not having conditioning, not having lies, not having any of the attachments to one action or another that distract from the moment and what occurs in it.

    In child abuse, in alcoholism, in the Buddha-dharma, the core issue is denial, hatred, illusion. Practice that which is hatred and your entirety will become hatred, and you will die, very messily and very painfully, and we will all be very happy that you have finally died. At times I've run into people who vehemently would insist that there's no such thing as child abuse, that such occurrences are all just great misunderstandings, that everything is always Just fine and that nothing ever goes wrong.

    Out here in reality, that is politely called enabling, but also equally accurately called, and being, lying, lying, smoke screening, lying, lying some more, and lying. No one Ever truthfully claims that child abuse never occurs, and any review of the news not only proves it, but readily provides targets to cull. When one simply acknowledges reality and works with it as it appears, one has so much less work, and so much more success. When I use my understanding, my understanding shows me that the breeders insistence that they be considered the totality of all becomes something to destroy, along with the breeders.

    Many vehement statements get made that violence is evil, that there can be no support for cutting apart another human, for poisoning a human, for causing another human to be hit with radiation. Oncology seeks to study, understand, and eradicate cancer in its many forms. Methods of the treatment of cancer include cutting open a live human, blasting the same human with doses of extremely lethal poison and radiation. As these have proved helpful in cancer treatment, then this shows the issue is not “violence” but the denial that the circumstance remain paramount.

    The issue of “good” and “evil” remains as always that no intrinsic “good” or “evil” exists, as both terms simply reflect an opinion about actions and intents. The actual question is whether an action is effective or ineffective, which again focuses back to the underlying question of effective or ineffective for and at what? Good action can include using a cinderblock to build shelter, either for one or for another. Bad action can include dropping a cinder block on one's foot or to claim that such dropping must be seen as the fault of another. Discriminating between the two requires awareness of the circumstances, and not some rote assessment.

    When executing a child abuser, execution is not a crime, the crime has already occurred, and the execution remains the solution. Part of the challenge is that if the problem is left in place, then those facing it will have failed to grow and have failed to solve the problem

    For a member of society, for the protection and care of children, the circumstance of a violent action remains the targeting and annihilation of a problem, and the solution is indeed to get involved, to take action, to proactively remove the problem by whatever means one can use And then when the problem has gotten eradicated, one indeed returns to peace, while still continuing to practice and hone the skills that prevent the greater, and actually damaging, varieties of violence and negation. The bottom line is not that “being peaceful” is inherently some great idea, it remains that being peaceful is just so much easier and effortless under so many circumstances.

    There is no difference between being conditioned to , and therefore attached to, wearing some particular costume to reciting various particular slogans, to thinking that child abuse is normal. Action is all and to annihilate child abusers is to support children.

    I in turn, continue, more or less unceasingly, to dig further into playing go, computer animated filmmaking, learning more math, and then doing mathematical research, and randomly seeing what interests may bloody well arise. I state more or less unceasingly because, I do have to go to work in the weekday mornings and I don't make movies for a living, yet. I do have to sleep before I go to work, or I'll fall asleep during work.

    Beyond that, of the filmmaking, unlike the more conventional forms, all I need is various software packages, a high end computer, and time, which I have. For math research, unlike many other forms of research, all I need are easily accessed references, a high end computer would help, and time, which I have. Rather than get bogged down in the excuses of not having the budget, the camera, the lab, the research samples, the story, whatnot, for my choice of what I wish to do, the primary obstacle left remains only me.

    I was created as property to remain property, and to die as property.

    Instead, I do indeed follow my interests because I want to. I go study something better, something that interests me instead.

    While the conditioning does keep screaming through my head, that conditioning remains no more than a cheap, worthless, artificial, creation of those cheap, worthless psychopaths that created it. Unlike their hatred and lies and conditioning, my way, the path of the Buddha-dharma, refusing to do what is hateful to me and thus anyone else, has always been and remains the best and only way.



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© Cassiel C. MacAvity