Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment

Cassiel C. MacAvity

Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment,

And about a decade or so later:

       ---Bert Hellinger

Constellations, Awareness, Education.

Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment
    One afternoon when I was ten years old, a psychopath with a fetish for ritualized child abuse gave me a bottle of beer and ordered me to drink the beer.

    The psychopath then continued to harass me when I didn't like the taste, continued to demand that a non-consenting ten year old child get forced to drink alcohol, and by extension, continued to demand that such an action get considered normal and proper.

    At the time, I mainly noticed that I didn't like the taste, and that I had gotten forced to drink the beer anyway. Only much later, just few years ago, a number of puzzle pieces dropped into place. By that later realization, I had known for years just how much the psychopath and his associate hated me, but this time I realized the full pattern of long term assault and its intent with absolutely nothing normal or proper involved in any of it.

    Normal and proper is that children are the next generation, the ones who follow, and that to torture and maim the children is to destroy one's own future, to destroy one's one own present. Normal and proper is that psychopaths and child abusers, particularly such as the one forcing the beer upon me, get hunted down and annihilated.

    Normal and proper among adults and children is that the children get raised by adults. Often the children have the same ancestry as the adults, but that never inherently means that the children descend from the adults or that the adults engendered the children. A fact has repeated, constantly, over millennia, that only those who raise children are parents, are those who help the children become adults, who help create the future of their society, of our society. In exactly the same manner and time, those who do not raise children are not parents. These adults may have children exist around them, who often interact with them, but only interact in passing. And also, in exactly the same manner and time, merely breeding like any common animal does not make someone a parent, it just means that the one who bred is merely a breeder.

    As that child grows and finds something that looks interesting, that interest will get explored. Over time, what the child learns includes that others exist aside from the child, that those others also have their own interests, that others will get taken into account when contemplating personal interests. All children go through this basic learning process, or should; Play nice with others, see that others can join in the play because otherwise they won't play with you, be sure to share the toys. And so as a child grows, the exploration of interests become more and more enlarged, but also more and more subtle. The child ages, the child grows and connects with others and their circumstances. The various parts of an ongoing community grow and develop as a part of this ongoing growth and exploration of interest. And under no circumstance does that exploration ever get blocked or altered, when a child is being raised by actual parents.

    In my case, the psychopath which harassed me is one of the pair of psychopaths which bred me. The male psychopath is remembered as being not very bright, with his specialty of violence and ongoing threats and hatred. The female psychopath is acknowledged as being almost as stupid as the male, with her specialty being lies and manipulation, and hatred, and she used the male as a weapon against me. These psychopaths considered me nothing more than total and undoubted property from the point of birth, and the abuse with the beer remains just one action of their practice of ongoing hatred and destructive conditioning

    In the ongoing view of such breeders, the only purpose for a child's existence is to remain a convenient prop for their demand that they get the social and cultural benefits of parents, where they themselves have none of the wasted time, none of the learning, none of the experience of parenting.

    That such is their view of the world is known because they would have behaved and acted far differently if it were not. Their view is that they built a walking and talking table from scratch, it is indeed only a table and not capable of anything more, so that they matter of factly declare Oh, we own that.

    As a part of their practice, the environment of the breeders is a totally hostile situation where the hostility is not always physical, is always present and has mental and sometimes physical degradation being considered a standard. If a breeder's hostility is always physical instead of occasionally physical, then humans will detect what the breeders do to the child, and rescue the child from the breeders.

    In a breeder's view, and as part of the ongoing degradation, because the child is property, then the child is thus only capable of being and acting as property and is not capable of any independent interest in anything whatsoever. As independent interest is the action of a human, and as an owned thing is just an object and is not and never will be human, any time such a major interest appears, the breeder's procedure is to beat that owned object thing, scream at that thing, make certain that such interest never appears again. Admittedly, since the breeders aren't telepaths, they will only notice particular, repeated interests, where general, passing interests will get past their attention.

    Regarding lesser apparent interests, and from inability to read the child's mind, the breeder's ongoing harassment is less active when considering some activity which appears to hold less interest. In which case, nothing gets said or done to actively dissuade that interest. On one hand, some perceived interest may not actually exist, and a breeder shouldn't have to bother with constantly controlling a mere object. In actual addition, if such opposition indeed exists regarding apparently neutral activities, this gives the child a focus for resistance, and that resistance can give a rallying point and again become an unnecessary distraction to a breeder. Of course, over time, if a breeder begins to think that the activity actually does have greater interest, then both that interest and the child each get targeted and attacked as something which the breeders will not permit to exist.

    Finally, a further wrinkle is to force activities which themselves degrade and deny. These new degradations particularly have no reasonable point and also reinforce the breeders' demand that the child is a useless thing which will not ever have any success at anything. In turn, if or when any resistance occurs to the ongoing assault, that resistance becomes a rallying point in which the attacker will particularly have an interest, as it provides more opportunity for control and further degradation.

    In short enough time, the breeders have a cyclical environment which lets them remain unquestioned and absolute property owners, where humans leave them alone to do to the child whatever they wish. As part of this ongoing cycle, as property has no friends, no associates, no outside contact, humans never question that the child just appears for school, and then disappears again, maybe just appears at some local church or other association that the breeders pretend to associate with, and also then disappears again. After all, from the point of view of the humans, they're busy, and as long as the breeders only torture the child, never openly mutilate the child, no human ever lifts a finger.

    In a related variety of this situation, there was a psychologist named Harry Harlow, who did child development experiments with monkeys. One of his best known experiments rather resembles what breeders do to and with children as an everyday practice. Harlow's experiment was to take an infant monkey and put it alone in a cage with two models of an adult monkey. One model was a wire framework of a monkey that could supply food and the other model was a cloth covered model that did not supply food. Rather generally, the monkey preferred the cloth covered model, only going to the wire model to feed. In the case of the breeders, what the breeders do is to isolate a child as totally as possible, being the equivalent of only the wire model that can feed the child, and then is never a cloth model, where even though live adults are nearby, the breeders never are or consider being parents.

    Now, what happens to the child?

    The child is a child, therefore the child develops interests. The child is hated by the breeders, therefore the child is screamed at and beaten to destroy the interests. The world is infinite, therefore interests are infinite, therefore new interests do arise.

    As noted before, A) major interests are obliterated by the breeders, B) the breeders do not constantly assault because humans would rescue the child, C) breeders simply own property, just do not have to constantly condition property because mere property does not have interests, D) echoing C, breeders are not telepaths, therefore interests of the child only get noticed when the interests become evident. E) yes, C and D do mutually oppose, but then breeders remain psychopaths and reality is vehemently and sometimes violently not their concern.

    So; as the child is left in this situation, then this situation keeps happening and never stops happening. As the child can only rely on a child's sense of time, then this situation will never end, and thus extends on into forever.

    In this entirety of reality that extends into forever and is filled with hatred and abuse, the child must move and function, or the child is attacked. The child must also not move and function, or again, the child is attacked. In the middle of the ongoing hatred, all that remains is the regularly demonstrated reality that the entire universe consists only of hatred and malevolence. In ongoing and never ending cycles, that universe of hatred and malevolence smashes into and all around the child, thus regularly reinforcing that everything consists only of hatred and that the universe will always attack and assault. In the times that the hatred and malevolence merely exist and don't yet come smashing into the child, the only possible action is to do some little of bit of some project or an other interest, and then roll over and fall asleep, sometimes literally. After all, if no action occurs, the breeders will attack, and if too much action occurs the breeders will attack, and in time, the breeders will attack anyway, because they always do.

    The only way out which can ever happen becomes sleep of some sort. Sometimes the sleep is literal, as exhaustion occurs. Other times the sleep is by disappearing into reading, into television, into alcohol or other drugs. This sleep takes whatever forms which are found that the breeders don't use as a weapon, or use much as a weapon, which lets the breeders' ongoing target hide in oblivion, if only for a short time.

    Now extend forward a long time, extend forward for several years. Breeders are cowards, failures, and habitual liars, or else they would function as humans. In time, the child can get large enough to hit back and make it hurt, and can also start to drift out of the breeders' reach through some circumstance or another. The problem that continues is that intellectually the breeders have gotten out of reach, but still the conditioning exists and operates and does so unceasingly and very well.

    In accordance with that still functioning conditioning, over time, over weeks and then years, all that the breeders' target achieves is some small start of a project, and then stop. When the breeders' target encounters some person or persons, in a business opportunity or personal relationship, the target then just happens to turn away, or just drift in stasis, and thus continues to keep away from everything, and go to sleep. When a new situation arises that the breeders' target can do much with, the target repeatedly and consistently doesn't see the situation until long after and too late to do anything, if the target even ever sees the situation at all. When some situation gets noted anyway, the target does not see any possibilities that can get done with it, until too late, if ever.

    At the same time, as such encounters reflect reality, but the target still exists in the breeders' fantasy rooted hatred, neither the target nor anyone near the target ever see that the conditioning remains and continues. The only oddity ever noticed is that as all this conditioned hatred continues over time, over weeks and then years, no progress occurs, no change, no improvement, nothing, and only the stasis gets noticed, if ever, and not the cause of that stasis

    Only at some moment of all the pieces falling into place, and then also only when finally realizing all of the pieces over time, does the conditioning get noticed.

    In my case that happened a few years ago, in late 2002, and I'm still not certain what triggered the realization. When the realization did happen, I also noticed that just knowledge wouldn't do all the work. I realized I would still have a hell of a time fighting what the breeders have done to me. Five or six years later, changes have occurred, but also I still regularly get slammed by the conditioning which still stands in for the malevolent psychopaths which bred me.

    At some point after the realization, I compared notes with a cousin who has seen many years' occurrences, but at a distance, and then also remembered a comment from an additional cousin who had a much closer view. Putting the two sets of information together finally showed the older cousin and I what the breeders had expected of me, and why such an insistence that I start drinking.

    The female breeder had a pair of brothers, my uncles, both of whom died alcoholics, one of whom died a drug addict. They weren't idiots, they were quite capable enough to found and own their own nursing home. The additional cousin is the son of one of the uncles. At one point he told me that his father had slowly, but quite effectively, killed himself because of what had gotten done to the uncle when a child. To escape what had been done to both of them, the brothers started drinking, and after awhile one of them started raiding his own drug supplies. In accordance with a long and historic method, the alcohol and other drugs let the brothers disappear, and that escape did indeed kill them.

    And then I came along, being the next target, quite intended to wind up as the next dead alcoholic. I'm not an idiot; matter of factly I'm regularly assured that I'm quite brilliant, and brilliance didn't save my uncles. Therefore, with full will, my mere existence was to be oh so unfortunately messy and tragic, the bane of the oh so tragically heroic and long suffering parents, with bonus points if I became a drug addict too.

    The breeders apparently didn't anticipate something that saved me. I have always found alcohol to taste utterly and absolutely ghastly, therefore I do not drink it. I don't mind the existence of alcohol, the complexity of the concept has somewhat fascinated me for years. On formal occasions, Kiddush and the like, I certainly will toss a fast gulp of the thimble of wine, but I do rather prefer grape juice for that.

    My uncles went to oblivion in alcohol. I pointed out reading, earlier, because I went to my oblivion, repeatedly, in books and lots of naps. In turn, because reading became my oblivion, even though I read immensely fast and read a lot, I never remembered a word of what I read. Remembering involves reality, and the breeders' conditioning mandates that reality is hatred and malevolence and abuse. Later, for exactly the same reason, as I started one project or another, I would get started with great enthusiasm, and yawn, and oh, I'll get back to the project after I sleep for a bit. And of course I would never get back to the project. And over time, over the years, of any sort of internship project that I could have done, business connection, personal attachment, anything involving getting something done, the same occurred, repeatedly. Again, all gone, never noticed until later, if ever, with many, many instances of only later realizing what they or he suggested, or she, or she, or she, really wanted.

    And still the conditioning still screams its hatred, its blindness, its whatever word that would fit here. I write here of conditioning, and as I write the conditioning doesn't like it. I have tried to get this paper written at one point or another for eight days. Repeatedly, I have managed a few paragraphs, and then watched a dull, massive, something block words, concepts, even memory of which next thought needed to follow.

    The original concept of this was Child Abuse, Alcoholism, Enlightenment with the underlying connection of conditioning and lies, and the ceasing of such. Finally I decided that I will wrap this up with this first part, toss in what little I have of the second and third, and then move on to my other projects which I do indeed incrementally, slowly, manage to now continue.

    I have written of child abuse and have watched my concentration go to pieces..

    I have tried to write a bit on alcoholism and sometimes watched my concentration vanish into a fused sack of cells, sometimes watched a wave of absolute, total, utter fury shriek for attention, sometimes watched a sense of having the weight of a column of lead pushing me back into place.

    I did try to write of alcoholism because at times I have thought that what I experience might have features of alcoholism. Concentration and focus keep shutting down as I keep trying to move forward, where what opposes me most directly doesn't even come out of a bottle, but always plays in my head. I seem to have gotten frozen in time as those born when I was born have continued on without me. At this point, I am ten and twenty and thirty years behind those I started school with, both as a person, and in just following personal interests to see where they may go.

    I have no children, and at least by college I realized will never have children. One reason for this being that I have already wound up the only one of the breeders and I to ever possess any responsibility and maturity. Another reason for this being that what they did to me will indeed bloody well die with me.

    Cats don't count in this, but then they are cats and I did end up with eight at one point---one adult, two large kittens, and five furballs, all quickly adopted off once the furballs weaned. Being able to practice responsibility and maturity remain a moot question given that I have wandered into a hobby of sightseeing events from the inside by helping to run them. These events have ranged from a couple of hundred people to tens of thousands. What I run I run very, very, well, where the proof of my effortlessly outdoing both breeders remains that I regularly get asked back to do that again.

    I have tried to write of enlightenment, to write of the Buddhist concept of being utterly unattached and unconditioned, and have repeatedly and painfully watched an entire mandala of concepts disappear in all directions. I have watched rage and avoidance again; How dare I question the conditioning, and how utterly dare I even conceive that the conditioning could get removed?

    In college, I stumbled across the Buddha-Dharma as something other than someone's fantasy of religion, as instead the never ceasing practice of get up in the morning, get things done and have fun doing so, and continue on from there. I state the Buddha-dharma instead of a concept of Buddhism based on the practice of some that one just practices from day to day, one does not hide behind a mere label of Being Buddhist. Much later and much the same, I heard a story of Judaism, where a rabbi states at one point What is hateful to you, do not do unto others. That's the meaning of the whole Torah. All the rest is only an explanation. Go and study it. That particular story has become known as Torah On One Foot.

      One of the deliberately misleading practices of the breeders was that they did indeed spend some time being seen attending a local church---but then they did so only and absolutely only because at the time, it was the social and cultural practice for them to be seen doing by others---otherwise, what would be the point for a pair of utter, self worshipping, exclusively self absorbed atheists? The female breeder scammed the church for years, but then that fit her specialty of psychological manipulation. The male breeder, in turn, could only rely on his demands for open hatred and violence, and by some point, stopped showing up entirely . . . while remaining on the rolls.

      Which thus then does rather beg the question of just how much some church or similar collection should have noted of such absolute and ongoing child abuse and malevolence.

      As far as the male breeder and its no longer showing up, one of its comments to me at some point was something to the effect that it stopped showing up at that church because the people in the pews wouldn't do what I told them to do. . . . . . . . . . . . . . And bloody well, just who did that worthless, useless, psychopathic, waste of meat think that it was, that it would be able to tell anyone how to do anything whatsoever????

      In the 1600s in Japan, there was a monk named Bankei, where rather a number of his assorted talks got recorded at the time. Noting the breeders and their hatred, and noting a translation from Bankei by Peter Haskel:

      [Bankei]: I'd see various criminals led out, confronted by the officers, bound and tied and put to the torture, suffering the most terrible agony. At that moment, these criminals quite forgot their own mischief was to blame and berated the officers, who were in no way at fault, as if it were all their doing. I often witnessed this. . . . . This is an example of how, from one little slip, people thoughtlessly change the Buddha Mind for a hell-dweller. [Bankei]

      In the case of that church and their claim of being a Christian denomination, there certainly is Tanakh and then the Christian testament that's been duct taped on from there. In quite a few places in Tanakh there are the quite emphatic declarations of destroying children being forbidden---basically any reference to Molech. In the Christian testament, breeders are rather obviously the variety of blatant criminal described by any of the passages commenting on millstones.

      Recently a friend of mine exclaimed Buddhist?! They're passive! with implications of regularly getting left defenseless. On another occasion, a Conservative rabbi commented to me something to the effect that Judaism and Buddhism were very distinct, because Judaism believed in active involvement and Buddhism believed in detachment and not doing anything. Of both statements, basically, No.

    Of the Buddha-Dharma on one's deathbed---because that's literally how it happened---the final words of the Buddha, a man named Siddhartha Gautama, state something to the effect of All created occurrences fail in time. Work unceasingly towards your own understanding. Basically, life always goes on, but all concepts created about life remain artificial, so they always fail. When one completely and intrinsically understands this, then the only concern becomes each moment as it occurs. Yes, each moment occurs before one moment and after another, therefore to blank out the past and future also remains artificial and fails, and so the concern of each moment remains the concern of all moments, one at a time, the current moment first.

    Is the Buddha-Dharma peaceful or passive? Is a hurricane or a detonating volcano peaceful or passive? Should one emulate a hurricane or an exploding volcano because both act entirely within the Buddha-Dharma? Maybe one should become as the hurricane, the exploding volcano, for what are the actual circumstances, what action is called for by this moment? Do the circumstances call for extremely violent action to avert some other action, to cause something to begin, to cause something else to stop? If the circumstances call for it, yes.

    From birth I have had illusions and lies and hatred forced upon me. The ongoing vehement demand has been and is that I remain attached to lies, to failure, to getting nothing done under any circumstances, to therefore be merely an exact copy of the psychopaths that bred me. In contrast, another statement attributed to Gautama is; Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. Of being enlightened, there is a statement that enlightenment is best because there is nothing to achieve for enlightenment, no addition or gift from another is required to get the magic key. Enlightenment follows from not having rage, not having hatred, not having conditioning, not having lies, not having any of the attachments to one action or another that distract from the moment and what occurs in it.

    In child abuse, in alcoholism, in the Buddha-dharma, the core issue is denial, hatred, illusion. Practice that which is hatred and your entirety will become hatred, and you will die, very messily and very painfully, and we will all be very happy that you have finally died. At times I've run into people who vehemently would insist that there's no such thing as child abuse, that such occurrences are all just great misunderstandings, that everything is always Just fine and that nothing ever goes wrong.

    Out here in reality, that is politely called enabling, but also equally accurately called, and being, lying, lying, smoke screening, lying, lying some more, and lying. No one ever truthfully claims that child abuse never occurs, and any review of the weekly news not only proves it, but readily provides targets to cull. When one simply acknowledges reality and works with it as it appears, one has so much less work, and so much more success. When I use my understanding, my understanding shows me that the breeders insistence that they be considered the totality of all becomes something to destroy, along with the breeders.

    Many vehement statements get made that violence is evil, that there can be no support for cutting apart another human, for poisoning a human, for causing another human to be hit with radiation. Oncology seeks to study, understand, and eradicate cancer in its many forms. Methods of the treatment of cancer include cutting open a live human, blasting the same human with doses of extremely lethal poison and radiation. As these have proved helpful in cancer treatment, then this shows the issue is not violence but the denial that the circumstance remain paramount.

    The issue of good and evil remains as always that no intrinsic good or evil exists, as both terms simply reflect an opinion about actions and intents. The actual question is whether an action is effective or ineffective, which again focuses back to the underlying question of effective or ineffective for and at what? Good action can include using a cinderblock to build shelter, either for one or for another. Bad action can include dropping a cinder block on one's foot or to claim that such dropping must be seen as the fault of another. Discriminating between the two requires awareness of the circumstances, and not some rote assessment.

    When executing a child abuser, execution is not a crime, the crime has already occurred, and the execution remains the solution. Part of the challenge is that if the problem is left in place, then those facing it will have failed to grow and have failed to solve the problem

    For a member of society, for the protection and care of children, the circumstance of a violent action remains the targeting and annihilation of a problem, and the solution is indeed to get involved, to take action, to proactively remove the problem by whatever means one can use. Once that is done, when the problem has gotten eradicated, one indeed returns to peace, while still continuing to practice and hone the skills that prevent the greater, and actually damaging, varieties of violence and negation. The bottom line is not that being peaceful is inherently some great idea, it remains that being peaceful is just so much easier and effortless under so many circumstances.

    There is no difference between being conditioned to , and therefore attached to, wearing some particular costume to reciting various particular slogans, to thinking that child abuse is normal. Action is all and to proactively annihilate child abusers is to support children.

    I in turn, continue, more or less unceasingly, to dig further into playing the game of Go, doing computer animated filmmaking, learning more math, and then doing mathematical research, and randomly seeing what interests may bloody well arise. I state more or less unceasingly because, I do have to go to work in the weekday mornings and I don't make movies for a living, yet. I do have to sleep before I go to work, or I'll fall asleep during work.

    Beyond that, of the filmmaking, unlike the more conventional forms, all I need is various software packages, a high end computer, and time, which I have. For math research, unlike many other forms of research, all I need are easily accessed references, a high end computer would help, and time, which I have. Rather than get bogged down in the excuses of not having the budget, the camera, the lab, the research samples, the story, whatnot, for my choice of what I wish to do, the primary obstacle left remains only me.

    I was created as property to remain property, and to die as property.

    Instead, I do indeed follow my interests because I want to. I go study something better, something that interests me instead.

    While the conditioning does keep screaming through my head, that conditioning remains no more than a cheap, worthless, artificial, creation of those cheap, worthless psychopaths that created it. Unlike their hatred and lies and conditioning, my way, the path of the Buddha-dharma, refusing to do what is hateful to me and thus anyone else, has always been and remains the best and only way.

And about a decade or so later: Constellations, Awareness, Education

    At some point during the second or third grade---based on where I remember living at the time---I'd been learning basic math, the class had gotten to division, and I was slogging my way through the homework. And then for some reason, at some point one evening, I got a very simple realization of a process: That no matter what one worked with, there was an infallible sequence of putting one number through another, and out would come some related result. Very simply, Oh, Wow, this is really neat!!!!! So, to do more of the same, I needed to have someone feed me whatever random numbers came to mind, and I could play with 'em.

    Except that I didn't have parents around, and I didn't have assorted adults around, instead I was limited to a manipulative narcissist and her pet monkey. When I asked them to feed me numbers, so I could play with the process more, then I would have been doing basic mathematical studies and practice, which could have been built upon, extended from, with me already providing the interest and definite enthusiasm. I don't remember their reaction being an open enraged refusal, but there was definitely an utter and absolute lack of any support . . . . because such support would have been a matter of engagement and parenting, which breeders just can't be bothered with. And that was the end of any math studies support.

    At some point, also in the second or third grade, there was some all school art competition, with everyone or a lot of people doing entries, as I recall. The contest was apparently based on or around Thanksgiving, given that what I remember of the picture that I drew is a long table with a row of feasting pilgrims, or something like that. One main memory of what I drew in class was of very particular attention to the details, getting various lines just so. When the competition winners were announced, one of the results was having the winning entry posted in a prominent display case. My picture was one of the winning entries, where my other main memory of that picture is repeatedly seeing it in the display case. Over quite a number of years, the interest in drawing continued. Around '77, after the movie Wizards had come out, I started doing some drawings on a sketchpad I kept under my bed. They were a loose combination of Wizards and a comic called DeadBone and I would doodle some, and put it away, and doodle some, and put it away, and one day when I pulled the pad out, all the drawings were gone. And of that particularly focused act of deliberate vandalism and hatred done by one or both of the breeders, there wasn't even any mention or question to me about destroying the drawings, the hatred was just merely something they just do.

    I collected comic books, where at some point in the fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade, I was reading a Tarzan comic book, and the thought kicked in that where Tarzan and the apes were grunting out phrases, perhaps there was a code, and I would crack that code. This, by the way, could lead to code study, mathematics, language study, etc. I found out later that E. R. Burroughs had indeed developed such a code when he had written the books, a language he called Mangani. As I was digging into the preliminary code study, the male breeder saw me starting and announced that I would stop or he would beat me---when I pointed out that what I was doing was a coding and analysis study, that enraged the psychopath even more.

    At some point in the fifth or sixth grade, there was a confusion in some detail in whatever math was being studied in school at that point---this much later I don't remember what the particular concept was. Something got turned round in the solving of that particular math, and I wound up with no idea what was going on with that process. Very definitely, I could not see where the comprehension screwup was coming from, could not see how I was missing the point. It wasn't anything of incorrect teaching, I don't remember others having the blind spot. But also at that point, the screwup was occurring quite during the depths of the breeders open hatred and harassment, so by comparison, the occurrence of some transient oddity was not really something that was going to get followed up on.

    The summer after sixth grade I was put in some sort of very limited math related class where I don't remember what the point was for putting me in the class. As long as I was there, I did manage to also finagle a computer class, in which I first learned to program. I came home from the programming class being very enthused, going back for an additional computer lab. At that point, programming was being done on one of the original personal computers, and definitely having the bug, I wanted one. Also at that point, I should have been able to do what classmates were able to do, go to a school with assorted lab classes. Instead, the breeders openly, deliberately, screwed that up by dropped me into a different school with nothing of the sort. In turn, they also had taken up a hobby of going off to auctions to buy assorted tat. Now, between the education screwup and the auction houses, I don't remember asking for a computer, but I do have a very vague memory of the subject---or something close to it---coming up. The response to the concept of getting me a computer was always We don't have the money---until several years further on, when the pet monkey got the idea that he could stage some sort of stock market scam through having a computer. With that in mind, of course there was money . . . .

    At some point in my senior year of high school, I was taking an algebra class, and some particular concept was just not making sense. I complained to a friend of mine, and she asked to have a look at the particular process. I pulled out the book and pointed to the main introductory page. She looked at it and matter of factly noted that This bit relates to That bit, plug in This Other, and out comes The Result . . . and I looked at it, and she was absolutely correct, leaving me very concerned, how had I managed to completely screw that up? Except also, this was while I was still in the middle of lots of other occurrences, still had the breeders inflicting their hatred and contempt, and the issue got dropped.

    And as such encounters reflect reality, but I still existed in the breeders' fantasy rooted hatred, hardly anyone near me ever saw the conditioning remain and continue, and in my case it was all I ever knew. The closest to any sort of exception was one particular occasion when I was meeting up with a friend of mine for an evening of gaming. I'd never been to his place before, so that evening he came by where I was living, still with the breeders around. He came in, met them in passing, we headed out---and at that time, he was part way through extended study to become a therapist and counselor. Three steps out the door, his immediate growl was I don't like their attitude towards you. He had only just met them, and their hatred of me was that clear and obvious . . . and it was all I ever knew. Much more generally, the only oddity ever noticed by anyone over enough time was that as all this conditioned hatred continued over time, over weeks and then years, no progress occurred, no change, no improvement, nothing, and only the stasis occasionally got noticed, and not the cause of that stasis.

    And time went by.

    And time went by.

    And time went by.

    Finally, only at some moment of all the pieces falling into place, and then also only after realizing all of the pieces over time, did the conditioning even get noticed at all.

    Very recently, I was pointed at a local coding program by a friend of mine. The program is very solid, not at all based on mere lectures. It is very much a matter of collecting the current assignment, talking to classmates, looking up references, with very much hands on study and work. In short, this is exactly what I would have been doing starting just after sixth grade, if there had been actual parents, instead of, basically, a malevolent, worthless, crippling slimebag, and her pet monkey, and that pet monkey's hatred fueled practice of ongoing violence.

    By the point I got into the program, I had been building and running my own Unix boxes for years, albeit while just not doing very much with them, just like everything else that was just not quite occurring. I still had my old coding experience and some later bits done here and there, albeit while just not doing very much with them, also just like everything else that was just not quite occurring.

    And then I got into the program, where the overall concepts were very clear, comprehension and understanding being rather effortless. And then I got to a particular point in the studies, and everything went blank. Except: At this point as things went awry, got very odd, this time there was only the program and getting the work done.

    When the interruption occurred this time, I was working two part time jobs, with both jobs quite aware of the studies, and quite supportive, so there was no objection there. According to the local communications grapevine, even the pair of breeders had managed to drop dead of strokes at some point or another, where even as I am owed their executions for their crimes, even if they had escaped justice, I didn't have either of a pair of lying psychopaths able to physically assault me, able to randomly vandalize at whim . . . . . Except: At this point, this time, the conditioning that the breeders tortured into me was still in place, was still quite proactive. Except, this time, there was nowhere for the conditioning to hide, no additional chaos, no variables to excuse things, only the very clear and apparent conditioning now being out in the open.

    On one occasion, I and classmates were working on a group review exercise. We reached my turn to summarize and demonstrate. And I was basically watching a very emphatic, completely insistent blank. So I stated to my classmates that I did indeed have no idea of what was needed, I was indeed going to have to be told what to write. So, the classmates walked me through the basics of what was needed at that precise point in the project, I worked through the demonstration bits, I finally got the needed line of code added in place. And then we continued with the second part of the section, with the same process, and me finally getting a second line of code in place. And by the end of that second part, and as I commented to my classmates, I already had no retention of the first part that they had walked me through.

    On another occasion, I sat down at a computer to do assorted non coding catchup reading and do that day's coding assignment. The day was perfectly fine, I felt perfectly fine, nothing at all unusual was going on. I did the assorted reading, with no issues or surprises. I started in on the coding studies, and then at some point realized that even as I was still in the chair, still sitting upright, I had not only fallen asleep sitting up, but particularly had gone so deep into sleep that I had started to dream, and only woke back up at that point.

    A bit later, there was a particular coding matter that I was reading through where the actual code itself is really just a three step process, do, rinse, repeat. Just about as literally as if I was assembling building blocks and could even see actual building blocks collected before me, I could get one bit sorted out, in place, get the second bit sorted out, in place next to the first, start in on the third---and just about as literally as working with opposing magnets repelling each other in opposing directions across a room, the concepts vanished from awareness without a trace.

    When dealing with a very rooted issue of How Dare I Do Detail Studies, the only countering advantage did happen to be in the overview, the oblique: Regarding lesser apparent interests, and from inability to read the child's mind, the breeder's ongoing harassment is less active when considering some activity which appears to hold less interest, in which case nothing gets said or done to actively dissuade that interest.

    So, I started to put out feelers in various directions, describing the situation and issues to several and assorted to see what solutions or leads they might be able to come up with. And in the middle of that, the thought popped in to do a particular local online search, and that got me someone nearby who does hypnotism and neurolinguistic programming. He and I chatted, and an observation of his was that I did know exactly what the issue was, where I needed to have some outside solution which would go in and destroy the conditioning.

    Following those discussions, in the middle of October, 2019, we set up an appointment. The day of the appointment, the coding program issued another project. I looked over the project, looked at the details, had absolutely no idea what I could do, and headed off to the appointment. He and I met, he put me under for about 40 minutes---and later sent me a recording, where the entire process was indeed quite prosaic. And then I went back to the project, where the results were sloppy as hell, but I Did Code.

    And since then, I have continued to do code, do studies, work through the details, and, with no difficulty whatsoever, I am writing my own code, writing my own commentary on code. At worst, I've hit a occasional particular comprehension issue, but that is why I am now writing my own commentary: I'm sure that quite a number of coders have become perfectly fine coders . . . and they are utterly horrible writers and explainers of how code works. Therefore, that one limited comprehension issue that now comes up is in sorting out how to best describe the coding that I am now also learning as I am describing it.

    At some point I ran across someone's sort of postcard scale, online poster thingie, with a quote:

    Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretense. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.

    My immediate assessment was that Oh, My Yes, this person definitely knows what he is talking about. The quote was attributed to some fellow named Adyashanti, certainly apparently some Buddhist Indian monk, clearly someone from several centuries ago, or something like that . . . . And when doing a bit of cross referencing, that got me an entirely Caucasian or so fellow in California's SF Bay area, where as someone who knows him personally commented a bit later, and he plays poker and rides a motorcycle . . .

    So a few more references got me assorted event scheduling, so I went and sat in on a couple of talks that he gave, each with an audience entrance line that snaked around the block. Going to at least one of the talks got me recurring event announcement emails, where I would note the rather recurring subject lines of something like [night of the week] Event . . . And then one morning in late 2016 or so, there was, instead, an email subject line of something like: Loch Kelly Tonight.

    So I had a look at that email, given the rather different title format. There was a general description of what the talk was likely to be, with added comments, where one rather noticeable comment stating of Kelly being extremely quite recommended---with the comment being by Adyashanti . . . And that event that evening was actually free of charge, and was also only about five blocks away from my apartment, so I decided to have a look. And a bit of digging around online got a book that was also quite recommended, so I did a fast buy of the electronic copy and did a bit of reading before heading off to the talk.

    I've seen talks where there is a rather detailed introduction, and then The One comes sweeping in . . . and in this case, once into the event site, there were some people standing around, and one fellow strolled over, stuck out a hand, and announced Hi, I'm Loch. After awhile and more people coming in and sitting, seating was set up up front, and no, Kelly didn't want something on the scale of of A Throne, yes, do have the seat rather a bit more at the audience height. Things got started, Kelly was handed a microphone, and he opened with noting that he had just flown in all the way from New York, and boy were his arms tired.

    He then continued with commenting something to the effect that a number of talks or presentations try and work through a bunch of declarations regarding how some subject should be. Instead, what he finds rather easier to do is to consider something as given, and then test the circumstances and details of that given Something. The particular example he was going to note is the Buddhist concept of enlightenment, where the definite ongoing underlying statement is that one is already enlightened, one already has the process in place, and one just needs to test the details. For one such example, rather than try and figure out how to solve enlightenment as a puzzle, instead, when considering how to solve things, what if there is nothing more to solve?

    For me, sitting out in the audience, I noted the question, and was also immediately aware of a very definite shocked flinch . . . and while I was very aware of the flinch, and where I was certainly not the one who had that reaction, at the same time, that flinch was also very internal while also very separate from me.

    Next, Kelly posed a general question about personal awareness. Particularly, where does awareness seem to be, in the sense of where does one seem to be located, where does one have a personal point of view. For example, generally, one tends to see things from the point of view of one's head, but what of being aware all the way down to one's feet, or even, what of being aware at one's feet? At that point I noted feet, what the visual image would be of awareness at one's feet. And, noting the point of view from one's head, while noting one's feet, what of the point of view of being aware from one's feet, while looking up past them towards one's head---

    About that point, nothing in the room moved, and even so, I got a very definite feeling of the entire room massively rearranging itself as I was sitting there . . . . .

    During the rest of the talk, my overall reaction and awareness was basically Ooohhh, Wow. . . . and then over time, and after later remembering particular bits of Buddhist commentary, a followup thought about those bits of commentary was that, over time, while I was reading the commentary, a good quantity of the commentary had basically made sense ---And then following the occurrence of watching the room feeling like it had rearranged, I could now definitely see where all the commentary was coming from.

    A comment a bit later to a cousin was that while granting the always present possibility of totally missing a point, I had actually managed to grab the brass ring.

    There is a description of the difficulty of getting out of one's own way to simply be enlightened.

So close you can't see it
So deep you can't fathom it
So simple you can't believe it
So good you can't accept it.

    I've attended a couple of Kelly's talks, and given that what is being discussed is rather subtle, but definitely isn't unique or unusual, the format was pretty much the same each time. The microphone that he starts with isn't just for him, after any of the effective group exercise bits, the mike gets passed around for anyone to comment, report, as anyone may wish. The overall question is to see what people's assorted feedback is, what are people's experiences. A repeated report about people's sense of very shifted awareness is of immensely increased spaciousness, where of course the room one is in has the same dimensions, but the definite feel is of being somewhere in an enormously open space. A comment that I made on one occasion was of something to the effect of . . . looking out at everything all around, while also not being able to really point to any location that I'm watching everything from. And then, of course, the very important achievement is that once once has the experience, then one can remember the experience. Once one has that memory, then one can pull it back up, drop right back into the awareness, and continue from there.

    One note that definitely helps with what to be aware of, what to have greater awareness of, is of the concept of one having six senses rather than five. As well as the usual five senses of sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste, consider the act and occurrence of thinking as being the sixth sense all on its own. After all, one does thinking, one is not the thinking itself. Yes, while granting discussion points regarding what Descartes actually meant, the actual occurrence of what one does is I am, therefore I think. And then the difficulty from there that most have is that one can close one's eyes, one can plug one's nose and ears, but how does one stop the process of thinking? And then in turn, even once aware that thinking is what one does, not what one is, just the same, that thinking bit does indeed keep going, keep being what is also referred to as the chattering monkey, with the thinking that just doesn't shut up.

    ---And, there certainly is the point that, yes, thinking is quite useful and does solve things, but, just the same, one still is not what one thinks of or thinks about. Of one's ongoing awareness, and of being that which is aware, one doesn't use thought to keep one's heart and lungs going. One doesn't really think one's own way through balance and staying upright, one just does it---yes, for someone who is drunk, or recovering from some neurological upset, there is indeed a lot of thought going on about balance, but the practice still winds up ultimately being the practice, being what one does and just keeps doing, rather than having to actively think about it.

    And thus the essence of meditation is the process of focusing on awareness more than focusing on the chattering monkey. The monkey will chatter, it does that, but one is not the monkey. Instead, one is, therefore one has and does awareness, and one continues from there. And as Kelly recommends for that sort of thing, just keep with the practice of awareness over random thought, go into and stay absorbed in awareness, and while in awareness, as if awareness was something physical to be enveloped in, marinate, marinate, marinate.

    There is a story of a monk who kept getting distracted by one thing or another instead of doing his practice. Finally, he decided to replace all his distractions by making his mind just as a clear blue sky, and once he had done that, he went to tell the abbot. The abbot's reply was that yes, having a mind like a clear blue sky is good, but now the monk was going to have to clear his practice of that clear blue sky . . . . . And thus in like manner, also don't just disappear into awareness, that's merely what gets called stupid meditation, trying to disappear into bliss and never come out. Instead, do awareness, marinate, write up an email, and still marinate, marinate, go talk to someone, marinate, marinate, read a book or think through grocery shopping or something else, while still doing marinate, marinate, marinate . . . . . . And then from there, the ongoing practice is to make such awareness the normal condition that it is, and then with that ongoing awareness in place as the ongoing practice, continue with noting all of everything else as something to consider and sometimes do, as needed . . .

    A number of years ago, I wound up with a front row seat as I got to watch a collection of jumped up failures proceed to prove, utterly and absolutely clearly, that all they were good for was blithering incompetence. Totally uniformly, they gave a display that didn't get them any advantages with anyone, especially themselves.

    A number of years ago, someone else wound up with a different front row view, more on him later.

    At the same time that I was encountering the idiots, I did wind up in touch with two or three quite separate other people who could actually get some things done. And, absolutely as importantly, those other people could realize---and most importantly, they did acknowledge---the occasions of having no idea what would be next, or what to make of some situation. When these competent people ran out of ideas, they actually stated such. These people did have some ideas for me to try out, but those ideas would only go so far. When I would report back that some suggestion was not quite succeeding, then, being adults, being capable of responsible behavior, they had no problems handing off as needed or as best as they could.

    As the overall fiasco shambled on, I took notes for lack of anything better to do. I followed the recommendations of the competent and capable for assorted exercises, to see for myself what any results might be. And, I tried to make sense of the oddities. There were the general oddities of the total and complete screwup that the failures continued to pratfall their way through. And in and among that, I got to watch as rather a set of particular oddities started turning up over time.

    I would be at work, with nothing particularly unusual going on, all rather peaceful. And then out of nowhere, I would get a very sudden stabbing pain in my head, as if someone had walked up to me, slammed an icepick into my head, yanked it out, and was strolling off by the time the pain registered and then was already fading out. Or, as if something with a very large claw had scraped it down the front of my chest, and again, the very intense pain would be fading out even as it registered. At various times, at work or at home, with all quite peaceful, my shoulders would turn into a single knot, as if from total and ongoing stress, but with and while no stress whatsoever occurring for or around me. I would get an all out wave of complete rage, as if someone was encountering some utter frustration, except I would be in totally benign circumstances, myself feeling perfectly fine, at worst mildly irked at whatever the quite alien emotional traffic that was coming from wherever it was coming from.

    Just in case, yes, after a bit of this, I did go in for a full medical checkup. Explaining things to my usual MD was entertaining, given the odd background that babysitting the idiots had created, and then he had the penny drop: Never mind what I told him of the idiots out there, that was just background. What I needed from the MDs was that they run their tests and exams, to see what they could find, and we could assess from there. The upshot of the medical exams was: I was very definitely declared to be stone cold sane, healthy as a horse, my MD wished that he had my cholesterol levels, absolutely dead normal neurological status, totally normal brain structure, and much sympathy and good luck dealing with the clueless gits I had encountered and was still having to deal with.

    For a couple of analogies that I developed over time, consider someone nearby, and consider people in a building:

    For someone nearby, consider being somewhere under totally benign and peaceful circumstances, all totally calm, no issues, you're perfectly fine---and then someone turns up right nearby, not even looking at you or apparently aware of you, and the someone is completely and totally screaming his or her lungs out, totally enraged . . . and you are the only one in the area who can see or hear the person, and you can't figure out how to interrupt or block the screaming.

    For the people in a building, consider being in a room in some large, I-beam frame building. For yourself, nothing unusual is going on, all is quite peaceful. Three rooms away in some direction, someone is admiring an absolutely gorgeous painting, basically just standing in the middle of the room, going Oh, Wow. Three rooms away in some other direction, someone else is utterly and totally enraged, has a sledge hammer, and is repeatedly slamming the sledge hammer into the nearest wall. Now, between the two, which of the two people in the building are you likely to be aware of?

    And around the same period of time, I was keeping cousins up to date with assorted occurrences, and of course I commented on the assorted oddities that had started to turn up. Over time, there was some general correlation with what the idiots were refusing to acknowledge and accept as their responsibility, but at the same time, that still didn't explain why or how I was being quite aware of particular moment to moment failures. And then one cousin finally blurted out something to the effect of Waitaminnit, didn't anyone brief you on the family history?!??!! I thought you knew about all this!!!

    It turned out that she didn't know what the precise details were, she and I came from different branches of the overall family, but her comments did remind me that in my end of the universe, there there were the stories of having someone over for tea. And in this sort of case, rather than being a strictly social occasion, there would be a particular point of peering into the bottom of a guest's teacup and reciting what came to mind, with such recitation later turning out to be utterly dead on accurate. Once I remembered that part, I then reminded her of the environment I had wound up growing up with.

    Of the fiasco laden cluster of idiots I was dealing with, they have a general term of a family tradition, which is a set of esoteric practices and skills which would be handed from one generation to the next. Rather apparently, I was the latest generation of such a "family trad", and definitely a normal procedure would be to ensure that a next generation would indeed get such training, learn such skills. On another hand, inheriting the family toys, as it were, was not going to be enough when there was no family whatsoever, when the one inheriting was considered to be just some piece of extremely disposable property---why no, there would be no such training in such a situation. So yes, my having the same skills would make sense, but no, there was no chance that the breeders would allow any form of perfectly normal growth and capability.

    And over time there were six definite examples of I'm being perfectly fine, what the hell is going on somewhere else????

1/6) Troubleshooting extended weekend
    There was one period at home where I was working with a very recalcitrant computer system, with assorted operating system bits just not playing well. I got home from work Friday afternoon, and started in on the troubleshooting, kept working through the weekend with sleep at odd hours, worked through to Sunday evening, went off to work Monday morning, finally solved the last of the issues after work sometime Tuesday evening. All of that certainty having a degree of annoyance, an awareness of No, this is not correct, where the definite preference was to have a functioning system. However, overall, there just wasn't anything more emotional than an emphatic preference for a working system, and thus keep working on the issues through to the finish, and that finish did occur.

    And, in the middle of one night during the weekend, I was working on some phase of the troubleshooting, whatever it was at that point. And then I got an absolute wave of total, complete, ongoing, screaming rage, no mere flicker of being irked, but instead, some definite, all out, enraged shriek . . . . and I was merely completely startled, looked up at the clock, and noted that the time was two AM on the dot. My main reaction was to note that with all the emotional shrieking going on, continuing the system deductions was definitely going to get hindered. Regardless of the howling, I kept working on the computer analysis---and then everything went dead calm, with the sudden cut off being just as startling as the start. Again there was a look at the clock, and the time was now three AM sharp. Then, as now, I still had no idea of what was the source or reason of what I had been picking up on, and I continued working on the computer, got to a pausing point about four AM, went to bed at that point, and continued on through the weekend.

2/6) How Dare I Consider A better Job?
    One afternoon at the job I had at that time, a particular decision came to mind. The job was, it got the bills paid, I was getting assorted bits of research done . . . but. And so I decided I'd see what else I could get to, where in the meantime, I would stay with the current job, but definitely see of moving on to a different one, see what that different one could offer.

    A split second later, just standing in the middle of totally benign work, it was as if I was also standing in the middle of a graveyard, three AM, watching an entire horde of coffin lids rip their way out of the ground, watching skeletons sitting up from each coffin, watching each skeleton turning to scream in utter enraged hatred, each broadcasting a wave of absolute and total fear, each skeleton absolutely screaming How Dare I Even Consider A Better Job!!!!! . . . . . .

3/6) Setting up domains
    One afternoon at home, I needed to get some projects added to, where the stage of what I was working on needed to have assorted websites set up. To do that, I needed to get a set of web domains bought, set up, and configured, and then I would continue on with the projects. All quite prosaic, normal, peaceful, nothing the least bit unusual. I was in my apartment by myself, no one nearby.

    Within minutes of getting started and all the way through getting the hosting registration set up, a very definite distraction was the absolute howling rage which was totally and definitely being absolutely opposed to any such research getting done, totally opposed to domain configuration getting set up, all such must be prevented, absolutely nothing of the sort to be permitted.

4/6) Someone's rejected demands
    There was a period of time at work where we were swamped, overtime available all over, just get the flood of material worked on and done. I was entirely available and willing at the time, so I signed up for ongoing overtime, albeit I just did the time at work, hadn't sorted out how the accounting of how the assorted timing was handled.

    One afternoon at work, I was in the middle of one thing or another that I was working on, nothing at all unusual, perfectly peaceful, so why and how was I then aware of some utter git throwing some sort of all out screaming temper tantrum??!!??!!! After a bit, I stuck a nose out into the general corridor, but nothing seemed amiss. After another bit, I checked with a coworker to see if he might know something, and Ah, Oh, I had heard about that? Well, it seemed that while he was just not able to tell of the details, apparently an associate of ours had gone and demanded a rather unwarranted raise or promotion or something of the sort. To no one's surprise, the demand had gone absolutely nowhere. And such reality was just not going over well, at all, where the quite enraged screaming wasn't exactly audible, but it was entirely evident.

    Some time later that afternoon, I did have an awareness of the still ongoing screaming finally starting to fade out, rather like a broadcasting radio being carried off down the road. On another hand, as the time by that point was about five fifteen, as I was starting in on that evening's overtime, whomever the screaming idiot was had prolly indeed just left the building, still utterly enraged, and was wandering off into the distance . . . .

5/6) Domain rent screwup
    During the time of the ongoing overtime, Thanksgiving week arrived, with the usual scheduling, with everyone working Monday through Wednesday, and then everyone off Thursday and Friday. And two thirty Tuesday morning, I had been sound asleep, and then was quite entirely totally awake, realizing Damn, Damn, Damn, the Thanksgiving week timing was going to screw up the overtime scheduling, dammit, dammit dammit.

    ---As it turned out, what I hadn't quite yet sorted was that once the eight hour point gets hit, the clock switched over to overtime regardless of what day, which did quite make sense once realized, but . . .

    Ok, fine, the situation was not going to be able to be fixed at that two or three in the morning, and I did need to get my sleep. I would see what the assessment was once I got in to work, time to go back to sleep . . . . . . . . . Dammit, Dammit, Dammit . . . . No really, I rather needed to get to sleep, not getting to sleep was not being helpful. . . . . About the point that the alarm finally went off, the thought finally filtered through of Waitaminnit, there is just too much going on regarding work, Dammit, Dammit, Dammit, hang on, lemme look up my work email account.

    I got up, got to the computer, pulled up the website for the office email interface, and got a domain placemarker display instead of the remote email website login.

    Oh. Oops.

    By the way, what I remembered around that moment of realization is that internet domain updates tended to cycle through at about two, three AM, timed at that point for the least amount of interference. Also, when updating domain information, some of such updating information could take 24 hours for all the updates to fully propagate. So, if someone at work had forgotten to keep the domain hosting rent paid up, then at some point the rental clock would run out and the domain routing references would shut down. And at that point, all references for how to reach the domain would get dropped. Therefore, right around two in the morning, the domain switched off, taking all the company external email access with it. Very few minutes later, someone's email did not come up, and at least one or more I.T. alarms started going off, with enraged demands that someone troubleshoot this interruption, and Get It Fixed RIGHT NOW!!!!!! The solution, of course, is to pay the rent so that the domain pointers get reset again, but those pair of steps would take a bit of time.

    On my part, several hours after the outage had started, I showed up at the office to do my quite non I.T. work. On arrival, I commented to my coworker that I was going to be entirely fuzzy that day, as I had gotten awakened at two thirty and had not been able to get back to sleep. Oh, and regarding the impending announcements about the remote email outage, that was not a routing access problem, it was a domain registration problem, and it was not going to get fixed for at least eighteen hours. The coworker had no idea what to make of the second statement, and continued on with what he was working on.

    About nine o'clock an email broadcast arrived from I.T.

Ah, hullo all, good morning, yes, we are aware of the email outage, and yes, there will be a solution applied very soon.

At that point I turned to the coworker and repeated, about the email outage, that the outage was not a routing access problem, it was a domain registration problem, and it was not going to get fixed for most of a day.

    About ten o'clock, an email broadcast arrived from I.T.

Ah, hi there, we do have the workaround in place for a good deal of the assorted email traffic, and we're just letting you know that for the accounts we haven't yet been able to get back online, we are working on it and should have a solution applied very soon.

At that point I turned to the coworker and repeated, that about the email outage, that was not a routing access problem, it was a domain registration problem, and it was not going to get fixed for most of a day. Oh, and the continuing enraged background noise was bad enough, but what also didn't help was the additional spikes of rage, as if someone was standing somewhere chanting Fix It Now!!, two, three, Fix It Now!!, two, three, Fix It Now!! . . .

    About eleven o'clock, an email broadcast arrived from I.T.

Ahhhhh, Hi there . . . . . So, about the email outage, ahhhh, we have the solution in place . . . . . . but with the nature of the issue, getting the email issue entirely solved is going to take the rest of the day, but we will have the fix in place as soon as it can be done.

At that point the coworker turned to me and asked if I was capable of foreseeing how well his career at the company would go for the near future. I assured him that I could only do readings in realtime, while things were occurring, and that doing a read of the future was a bit different.

    6/6) Owwwwww
    And finally, at the same company, we did a lot of across the floor text commentary, rather than running back and forth in person to ask this question or that. There was yet another day where I was working with customers, I and the customers were doing perfectly fine, emails getting done, calls getting handled . . . . and I really just did not need the spiking flood of all out rage that was suddenly echoing all about. Once again, what I was really interested in was some way of getting some off switch, some way of short circuiting that flood of yet another idiot's utter and ongoing infantilism.

    And after a few minutes of the ongoing screaming hatred, I got a text message from a coworker. Ow. I just got a total stabbing pain behind my right eyeball. My reply to my coworker: Yes, I've been monitoring that one for about the last five minutes. Why no, I wasn't the only one in the room picking up on assorted traffic, and my coworker also had no idea how to make the noise go away.

    A number of years ago someone else wound up in a different front row. His name was Bert Hellinger, and for sixteen years he was a Jesuit priest among the Zulus. While there and with them, he saw that when Zulus would tell of more or less consulting with the ancestors, that was not a euphemism. During such consultations, there wouldn't be a grave opening up and a body popping up out of it, but there definitely would be very particular information coming in from somewhere else. By the 1990s, he was no longer a priest and was back in Germany, working as a psychotherapist, working with an assortment of concepts and methods, including the concepts and practices that he had seen with the Zulus. His result is a system or practice or so with a general collective name of Systemic Constellations.

    Generally speaking, what happens in a formal constellation exercise is that a number of people will get together. There will usually be one who will be the facilitator, acting as a sort of ringmaster or majordomo. Often there will be a client, someone with a general issue or question. The others will be representatives, taking on assorted roles in the constellation. The facilitator will consult with the client ahead of time, get assorted information, and then sort out or select a number of roles---usually the roles are assorted relatives of the client, but can also be issues that the client is concerned with, with none of the roles even being people, being instead assorted concepts. From there the client can select representatives directly, folded over cards with a written role can be handed to the representatives and not read by the representatives, there are rather a number of ways to have assorted representatives take on assorted roles. In many instances, assorted representatives aren't even aware what the assigned role is, the role is just handed off.

    At that point the representatives basically just stand there for awhile. A description I've given others is There you are, minding your own business, and along comes a flood of someone else's data. That is what happens. As far as how this happens, I look forward to seeing the results of a lot of very meticulous research, prolly starting by having people in portable MRI scanners as those people act as representatives.

    As for what happens, there are a number of possibilities. As a representative is standing there, minding one's own business, one can feel a definite attraction to a different geographical area of where everyone is, and meander over to that area---one meanders, because nothing is done quickly in a constellation, one lets the constellation traffic shift over time, and one observes that traffic. One can suddenly feel utterly and totally weary and rather inclined to just sit down, or even lie down. One can feel assorted waves of assorted emotions. One can feel any number of odd and transient twinges, physical sensations, shifts in temperature, pains, all only starting up with the start of the role. Different representatives can report their roles having assorted reactions to the presence of other roles. In some cases, a role will be reacting to a different role that is extremely present, but doesn't yet have a representative---often a facilitator will then assign a representative to take up that role, and thus start doing that reporting. And through all of the process, the facilitator, or someone, takes notes, usually with the facilitator sorting out the assorted issues and seeing what can be done or at least observed.

    In my case, I officially ran across constellations in late 2014, when I was consulting with someone on a totally different issue. As part of assorted background discussions, I commented to the fellow I was consulting with about some oddities that I'd run into over time. We got quite nowhere on the consultation, but he did comment that, by the way, he was doing a series of particular meetings, and given that background stuff I mentioned, I might find the meetings quite interesting if I dropped in one evening. So I arranged to do that, was told that there are these things called constellations, where he was acting as the facilitator, and . . . . and at the first break and after my first time as a formal representative, I was told that what I'd done was quite impressive, and I got asked what class had I taken to have such obvious experience. And of course I hadn't taken any sort of intro class---nor is one actually needed, one can actually just walk in and dive in with little or even no previous experience as a representative. And definitely of course I had already had the experience of quite a lot of very detailed previous constellation traffic----I just had no idea that there was also a formal field of study of whatever the bloody hell I was randomly picking up on, without even formally being in any sort of formal constellation . . . . .

    At some point after finally running across constellations and taking part in quite a few, I had a constellation done to see if a puzzle could be solved. At the current job, all had been busy, but well, and then the department started to self destruct. At a previous job, all had been busy, but well, and then the department started to self destruct. And, of course, where others around me grew up and thrived in their families, I ended up with that pair of total and malevolent psychopaths, and everything that they did would inevitably self destruct.

    So, given that constellations deal with assorted interconnections, and assessing those connections, just why did I keep ending up in situations where everything would go to pieces around me and others? The constellation was arranged, I and the facilitator went over assorted notes, and then we went about seeing if some solution could get figured out. Ultimately, the constellation did not sort out why the recurring instability, but there were two rather pointed bits of confirming information that did turn up.

    At the constellation meeting, there was someone who was attending out of curiosity, had never encountered constellations before, and after watching one, volunteered to take part in mine. Others in the constellation had already had assorted amounts of experience, all were handed the card that was not looked at, but put in a pocket, and all then assessed whatever information came to mind, or not. Very quickly, the constellation showed something being very, very awry. As part of checking with the assorted representations and their assorted roles, the facilitator asked the first time representative what she had to report of her role. The response was that everything was just fine, absolutely wonderful, quite nothing the least bit odd or unusual, no feelings about anything whatsoever. Another representative reported his role being quite indifferent, totally passive, just not at all interested in doing anything there.

    By this point, the facilitator decided that something was definitely amiss, and given the notes from me, asked for a volunteer to add in. The added representative settled into the role, and the other representatives were asked what their reaction was. The first timer stated that she still had no change, no feeling, everything entirely utterly just fine. The second representative reported that his role's reaction was to want to go to the added role and give the added role a big hug. Of the suddenly added role, the representative reported that the role felt very much not wanted, not liked, did not like being present, and really just wanted to leave. And a little bit later, the assorted ID cards got looked at.

    Confirmation number one: With the second representative, and the role that kept being totally passive and just not at all concerned with the situation, when the card was looked at, the role was that of the male breeder. And with the newcomer that the facilitator added, with the role that the male breeder was very interested in and wanted to hug, the role was the personification of deliberate, knowing, ritualized child abuse.

    Confirmation number two: With the first timer's role, the facilitator particularly noted that the only kind of person who keeps being totally without feeling, keeps claiming that everything is just fine, especially when things are actually quite broken, is a very self centered, completely self absorbed psychopath. The card that the first timer got was that of the female breeder.

Constellations, Awareness, Education.
    So: years and years and years past when I should have been doing perfectly normal research and study, I am now getting it started, now being able to get it started without interference, or without much interference.

    Quite of course, while I did succeed in getting some very minor bits of project work done over time, over the years what I was running into was the ongoing open hatred created by the totally blatantly failing psychopath and her equally malevolent pet monkey. And of course when writing the first part of this several years ago, all the entirely screaming and opposing traffic was their resulting ongoing constellation traffic combined with the conditioning.

    I do definitely still get assorted constellation traffic at assorted times. Constellations are called Systemic Constellations because the traffic one encounters is more than just one's personal background, personal DNA, personal ancestors, that are making comments in the form of the constellation traffic. Ongoing study of constellations has shown that when looking at the details of assorted constellations, that even assorted non-family interconnections turn up in constellations.

    ---One such constellation that I took part in for someone else involved that someone else sorting out what company to work for next. Instead of the assorted roles being personal relatives, all the roles for this client were possible employing companies. Yet another constellation turned out to involve all the people who might be connected in a business project. An ongoing pair of constellations turned out to be about solving a particular set of business project complications and why they kept occurring.

    In my case, even while the breeders escaped justice by dropping dead of strokes at some point, they also wound up with rather a set of enablers. Rather unsurprisingly, those enablers rather prolly would be quite opposed to acknowledging that both the breeders and the enablers demonstrated a total absence of both judgment and the most elementary levels of basic reason.

    And of that total and complete screwup which I got to document a few years back, that also had rather a number of posturing idiots quite opposed to accepting reality.---And even if the idiots never did learn of constellations, or certainly knew nothing at the time, a particular part of their posturing emphatically declared great expertise with the sort of practices that occur in constellations.

    I would rather like to see of more constellation assessment, to sort out why it is that I keep picking up on assorted constellation traffic even when not even being in a formal constellation. Is that because I've had all the experience of the constellation traffic reading, and something is just switched on and stuck that way? Is there something else going on that is clearly constellation related, where indeed idiots who know better are frantically denying that any of the malevolence I experienced did ever happen? I have no idea. One can indeed do solo constellation work, where one basically switches from one role to another. With that variety of approach, I have gotten some interesting solutions in place as far as all apparent idiots that I'm apparently encountering. Just the same, surreal and pointless traffic does keep occurring, and there should indeed be a way to just shut all that down, once some assessment has been done. Such assessment will require group constellation work to get to the bottom of that.

    At this point, I am finally doing the all out coding and computer administration studies, and will finally do a number of coding projects that I've been wanting for years to finally have on hand. After a bit, I will continue on into computer animated film production development. And, in time, I will also continue on into assorted math, partly for assorted research, definitely for just sheer having fun.

    For the awareness practice, I am marinating, marinating, marinating, marinating. One analogy with such all out expanding awareness is that certainly storms can occur, and noting constellations, assorted idiots can indeed arrange for entire hurricanes to rise up to obstruct and harm. Except that when one practices the expanded awareness of an entire atmosphere, some idiot's mere tornado, even a mere hurricane, is utterly dwarfed by the entirety of actual reality when compared to the mere whim of some posturing failure.

    So, I will continue on with the work, and the study, and the all out play.

    And, I will track down and absorb and utterly annihilate any and all assorted issues and obstructions, any sort of hurricane of any origin and scale . . . . . . . . . . .


© Cassiel C. MacAvity